The satirical story of Theresa May’s speech in a biblical style: The Gospel of St Theresa, where Nigel is John the Baptist and Boris is Judas Iscariot... Somebody fetch Lloyd-Webber!
And at that time there was great uncertainty across the land – and there was talk of a new teacher who would deliver the children from the yoke. And a man, whose name was Nigel, came out of the wilderness and began to preach and gathered crowds and made a lot of empty promises while talking in riddles that did not make sense.
He was not that Light but was sent to bear witness to that Light. And people said: “What is this light you speak of?” And he said: “Lo – it is the Kingdom of Brexit and it is more a shade of dark blue – though there are those who argue that it is black.”
And after a while later he said: “I shall leave you now and go to see if I might get a job with the Fox network – but there standeth among you a woman, not a leadsom, who will deliver it instead and grant you the Kingdom while I shout abuse from the other side of the lake.”
(Flickr / Steve Bowbrick)
And he was taken away, but his spirit remained, on LBC and occasionally BBC Question Time.
And the people were afraid and wondered at what they had done and then – as foretold by Nigel a woman appeared – Theresa, the daughter of Hubert and she began to preach among the people of Albion in a dry and flat voice.
And once when they were all gathered at their devices, she told her disciples “Brexit means Brexit,” and the crowd asked of her “but what does that mean?” And she repeated again “Brexit means Brexit” but her followers remained none the wiser and so asked a third time: “But seriously, what does it mean?” And she remained silent and did underwhelm them.
(Flickr / Ashley Coates)
And Theresa did endeavour to deliver this thing which nobody really understood, least of all herself and the Faragees began to murmur among themselves that this “woman will not deliver.”
Now among the disciples closest to her was a man, Boris the Shifty and he doubted her words and looked down on her as ‘not really being our sort of chap’ while publicly saying he did not and saw an opportunity to filleth the inches of his column and the wages of his sin and the night before the party conference she turned to him and said:
“Before this week is over you will have betrayed me 30 times.”
(Flickr / Andrew Parsons/ i-Images)
And he did look at her with pity in his eyes and say: “You clearly underestimate my aptitude for disloyalty.”
And he did go to the Faragees and plot, but really it was not necessary for her fate had been written from the beginning by her startling ineptitude.
The day of her humiliation dawned with much expectation – and she was taken to a place they called The Manchester Central Conference Centre – which means the place of the skull – and she was taunted and mocked by a man with a P45.
And as the guards led him away, she spluttered and said:
“Blessed are the childless women…” Before starting to cough really badly and again, she started saying something about “the British Dream…” and how “places for three and four-year-olds have doubled under this government.” But her voice ran dry, and she cried out for water which was given, and the social media did mock her, and she did cry out a fourth time in desperation: “in the 1970s it was scientists in Oxford who invented lithium batteries that make mobile telephones work.”
And the crowd did shake their heads.
And when her humiliation was finished, they cut her down from the podium and took her away, and at that moment the great opinion in the Temple split in two, and the Earth opened, and the people were even more afraid and wished that none of this crap had happened in the first place.🔷