As Theresa May puts the finishing touches to her Cabinet line-up Otto English brings you those newly made up Ministerial departments in full.

Ministry of Death.

This government has done more to challenge death than any since December 2017. The May administration is committed to tackling not just death itself, but the underlying causes of death and along with a lot of other crazy promises, we will seek to eradicate it completely by 2022. In this vital ‘transitional Deathxit’ period it is essential that provision be made. The Prime Minister is delighted to announce that Sir Robert Peel MP has agreed to head the new Ministry. Sir Robert brings considerable expertise to the department, on account of his having passed away 168 years ago.

Death is so yesterday... (Dreamstime / Importdriver)

Ministry of Jam Tomorrow.

British jam and biscuits will be at the heart of our post Brexit economy. UK crumpet welfare is regarded as a world standard globally and with growing demand for our preserves, tarts and award winning buns, the Ministry will seek to spread our …. well our spreads… to wherever toast is made. The new department will merge the existing Condiments and Pickled walnuts Ministries to create a “Super Ministry” with experienced bore, Andrea Leadsom, working to a brief to deliver jam for all for yesterday and tomorrow but crucially never today.

50 shades of toast (Dreamstime / Tesphoto)

Ministry of Sharknado.

Anyone who has witnessed the devastation that can be caused by a Sharknado or worse still a Sharknado 2, might reasonably wonder why previous governments have done little – or nothing to protect the nation against this most pernicious of weather events. Latter day “Lawrence of Arabia” Rory Stewart will be taking on the important role of heading up the department and will personally lead a 700 counter sharknado force which will deal swiftly with the problem in the event of an outbreak. With their dashing uniforms and smart ‘shark’ emblems the government hopes that attention will be diverted from the actual shitstorm that has engulfed Britain since June 2016.

Sharknado (IMDb)

Ministry of Gravity.

Michael Gove returns to the front bench and will take up the reins of this new department with immediate effect. Michael himself has considerable experience of gravity and will seek, through partnerships with other ministries and NGOs to tackle the on-going threat posed by the Earth’s pull. The government will strive to tackle the challenge created by gravity where feasible while stressing that gravity itself was first identified by British scientists in 1686, long before the UK joined the EEC in 1973.

(Dreamstime / Sergey Khakimullin)

Ministry of Pascal’s Wager.

Pascal’s wager posits the idea that given there is some uncertainty over the existence of God it is better to live as though he existed. The actuality (or otherwise) of a Divine Creator is something this government takes very seriously and £45 billion extra has already been set aside to fund research and employ 600 front line dedicated spiritualists in schools, churches and specialist clinics. Like Brexit, nobody knows quite what the future holds and only by investing in madness and made up ‘departments’ will this government be able to distract you from the insanity going on all about you.

( / Tony Piro)

Ministry of Deal or No Deal.

Seventy two billion pounds, 27 unanswered questions and the future of a nation at stake. Welcome to the department of Deal or No Deal with your host Noel Edmonds. Noel believes that he was once visited by two melon sized energy balls, that a metal box can cure cancer, that highly addictive ‘cake’ has destroyed the lives of innocent children and that the British public would want three, yes three Mr Blobby theme parks. In the run up to Brexit, Noel blamed a traffic jam on mass uncontrolled immigration and as such he is clearly one of the sanest people in public life currently and perfectly qualified to lead our nation into the darkness of the coming apocalypse. He also has a beard.🔷

Deal or no deal. (YouTube)

(This piece was first published in Pin Prick.)

(Cover: Pixabay - Downing Street, London.)