How Tory plans to build a new fantastic Royal Yacht will solve literally everything, Otto English writes. From homelessness to unemployment, the housing crisis, the NHS, education and even Brexit!

Former UKIP Deputy turned Tory MP Craig Mackinlay has today made the case for a new Royal Yacht Britannia. Craig believes the new tub will be “hugely valuable as we take our place as a new #GlobalBritain showcasing the best of our world class products and services & as a powerful diplomatic asset.” Well here at Pin Prick we are completely on board Captain Craig – here are some other benefits the new ship could bring!

The UK needs a solution to the homeless crisis. According to Shelter there are 300,000 people in the UK currently living rough or in inadequate accommodation. Tell you what – I’ve got the answer – let’s have a whip round and build the Queen a big boat. As the homeless drift off to sleep the thought of all those luxury cabins will literally warm their hearts. Shiver me limbers no more!

The UK needs more homes generally. We aren’t building enough. There’s a serious lack in affordable housing stock. We’re leaving the EU, move on, get over it, etc. and once we’ve gone people are going to start to realise that the lack of affordable housing in the UK has got nothing to do with Jutta from Germany renting them all out for her Afghan refugee friends. You see – successive governments – simply haven’t constructed enough. Solution? Let’s build the Queen a big boat! That’ll give half a dozen members of crew an easily affordable berth. Everything solved in a jiffy me hearties!

Wage growth is sluggish. Real earnings are falling by 0.4% a year under the Tory government. People are feeling the pinch. Probably all the fault of migrants anyway – or the EU – whatever you do don’t look at the government. Perfect solution! Let’s build the Queen a big boat instead. Because…. um… Ahaaa!

The NHS is struggling. There aren’t enough doctors, there aren’t enough nurses, hospital building has stopped, A and E departments are closing, GPs are quitting. Social care is underfunded. The NHS is understaffed. I know! I’ve got an idea! Let’s build the Queen a big boat and make everyone forget about it. Who doesn’t love a royal ship? Sure a few people will die but they’ll die thinking of a lovely big boat!

Secondary education is failing. Not because of the teachers. Not because of the children. Not because of Paula from Spain. It’s failing because there’s not enough joined up thinking, or consistency from government – or money. A £2.8 billion real terms drop in funding. 15,000 staff across the UK facing the chop. I know! I’ve got it! Let’s build a big ship and give it to the Queen – the children might not have books or teachers but at least they’ll have something to wave at. Though they’ll have to make their own flags.

Students are struggling under a mountain of debt. Those in higher education in England and Wales have among the highest fees in Europe and many of the poorest leave owing upward of £60,000. I know! I’ve got it! Let’s build a big boat for the Queen. Even students like big boats!

The UK is leaving the EU, our biggest trading partner and ally. The self-inflicted crisis now facing the country is potentially catastrophic in scale – affecting everything from peace in Northern Ireland to peas in Norfolk fields. If the UK fails to get a deal: “the consequences for Britain and for the economic security of ordinary working people will be dire.” I know! Don’t worry! Rather than panicking about that, let’s build a big boat and give it to the Queen instead. Make us all proud.

But what of Britain’s other social problems? Unemployment? A boat for the Queen! The looming pensions crisis. A boat for the Queen!!! Far right extremism……. how about building a boat for the Queen? Islamic extremism? Build a boat! The growing dementia catastrophe? A boat for the Queen will sort that out and once we’ve launched it and we’ve got a boat for the Queen and our blue passports and our treasured sovereignty back – all will finally be well. Like the old days! When the Queen had a boat……

(fingers crossed)🔷

Embed from Getty Images

(This piece was first published on The Pin Prick.)

(Cover: Dreamstime/Sundeep Goel - Drawing room of the Royal Yacht Britannia.)