The new British Government hub in Edinburgh is painted like Great Britain produce packaging from a supermarket. That’s because Scotland Office is headed by a vegetable.

First published in August 2020.

Those oh so clever people in the Conservative Government, the same people who brought you Gavin Stupid Boy Williamson and Priti Patel’s numberwhang, have come up with a cunning plan to save the Precioussss Union. Or as it’s officially called these days, the Awesome Fawesome. That’ll be because it makes you go aw, which is how you pronounce ugh in a posh Etonian accent.

The plan is to plaster union flegs on everything in order to demonstrate to us ungrateful jocks that without the graces of the British state we’d be living in shacks and trudging to the river in order to collect buckets of water. We’d be nothing without them and all it’s going to take is for them to remind us that we’re worthless for us to come running back into their arms, or more precisely, under their heel.

The idea was apparently arch Brextremist Michael Gove’s, who thinks that the reason that there’s so much love for the EU is because infrastructure projects which were assisted with EU funding have a wee EU flag on them. This worked so well at making sure that the people of the rest of the UK fell so much in love with the EU that they rejected the idea of leaving it. Oh. Wait.

Anyway, the reason that there’s been a surge in support for independence isn’t because Westminster, and the Conservatives in particular, have been deceitful, arrogant, and have done their utmost to trash the promises that they made to Scotland to keep us in the UK back in 2014. It’s not because they’ve dragged Scotland out of the EU without allowing the Scottish Parliament any meaningful input into the form that Brexit takes. It’s not that the Johnson government’s mishandling of the coronavirus epidemic has left the UK with the highest death toll in Europe and the worst affected economy. Oh no. The real problem here is that British nationalism has been too shy and self-effacing.

The Conservatives are going to tackle this head on by putting union flags on anything in Scotland that isn’t fully devolved. That’s because they’re not nationalist flag wavers. They’re Great British non-nationalist flag wavers, which is an entirely different proposition. It’s only when a flag is waved by a foul separatist that it counts as nationalism. And as any British nationalist whose not a nationalist at all because they’re British will tell you, no one is persuaded to change their mind about independence by nationalist flag waving. They can only be persuaded by non-nationalist British flag waving.

They’ve already started with the new union flag themed Imperial Masters’ Colonial Office in Edinburgh, which sits in the heart of the historic Scottish capital looking like an oversized piece of Great British produce supermarket packaging. Which is only reasonable, since the Scotland Office is headed by a vegetable.

We can also look forward to union fleg themed bridges, road upgrades, railway lines, in addition to the obligatory union fleg which adorns your UK driving licence. The Conservatives will not rest until they turn the whole of Scotland into the preparatory decor for an Orange walk. This is guaranteed to have an effect on Scottish public opinion, just not the one that the Conservatives are hoping for.

The UK government investment that Scotland benefits from comes from money which Scottish taxpayers pay into the coffers of the British state. They want us to thank them for returning some of our own money to us. But while we are at it we should also be plastering union flags on the coffins of people who have died because of the UK government’s mishandling of the coronavirus epidemic and those who have been victims of the DWP’s institutionalised cruelty.

We should put union flags on the racism on the Home Office. We should put union flags on the armaments that the UK sells to warlords and dictators. We should put union flags on all those procurement scandals that the Tories have presided over. And most importantly of all, we can stick them over the lying gobs of those Conservative politicians who have trashed all the promises that they made to Scotland in 2014 in order to ensure that this country voted against independence. That would shut them up so we’d at least derive some small practical benefit from their union-jackery.

The lesson here is that our colonial overlords do not believe that there is anything of substance which is wrong with their governance of Scotland. It’s all a matter of presentation. We’re not looking to independence because there is any reality in our dissatisfaction with British misrule, it’s all just because we don’t see enough union flags.

They plan to patronise us into support for the UK. It’s a crass insult to the intelligence of the people of Scotland and an sign of just how desperate and lacking in confidence and ideas the Conservatives are. They can see the writing is on the wall for their Ughsome, and they have no clue at all what to do about it.

Actually, that is not entirely true. There are things that the Conservatives could do to lessen support for independence. It’s just that they are steps which are anathema to them. They could treat Scotland with the respect that they promised in 2014. They could ensure that the Scottish Government had a meaningful input into the Brexit process. They could reverse their cynical and deceitful power grab. They could embark upon the conversion of the UK into that federal state that Gordon Brown promised. They could recognise that the power and sovereignty of the Westminster Parliament is not absolute, but that power and sovereignty ultimately rest with the people. They could, you know, start treating Scotland as the equal partner in the family of nations that they’re always insisting that it is instead of the reality where Scotland is treated at best as an afterthought and at worst as a possession to be ordered and commanded.

But expecting them to do any of these things is like expecting a vampire to be happy with a glass of beetroot juice.🔷


Check their Voting Record:

🗳️ Gavin Williamson

🗳️ Priti Patel

🗳️ Michael Gove

🗳️ Boris Johnson

[This piece was originally published in Wee Ginger Dug’s Blog and re-published in PMP Magazine on 19 August 2020, with the author’s consent. | The author writes in a personal capacity.]

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