A brilliant satire that will make you laugh until you realise it actually describes with precision how the rest of the world sees the UK right now.

First published in September 2020.

Warning: This is a parody!

UK trade talks with the European Union

UK: We don’t like our deal.

EU: Why not?

UK: We only get 95% of what we want.

EU: It only gives us 95% too. That’s how negotiating goes.

UK: We want a new deal that gives us everything we can think of.

EU: But you signed a deal.

UK: Don’t care, we hate you.

EU: Bit rude.

UK: We elected people to go to your meetings specifically to say we hate you.

EU: And how is Nigel?

UK: Not happy.

EU: Why not?

UK: TV has dried up. So we want a new deal, and we want the deal in 3 weeks, or we cancel our existing deal.

EU: Wait, what?

UK: You heard. Give us 100% of what we want in 3 weeks, or we break the law and walk away with 0% of what we want.

EU: Er… suits us!

UK: Wait, what?

EU: Perfect. Do it. Walk away. Take Nigel with you.

UK: No, hold on, wait: you have to negotiate so Boris can win.

EU: Why? Right now you have 95% of perfect, and we have 95% of perfect. If we renegotiate, you get more but we get less.

UK: That’s right.

EU: But if we don’t negotiate, we still have our 95%…

UK: Woah, hold on.

EU: … and you have nothing.

UK: But… Dom didn’t superpredict you’d say that!

EU: And if we don’t have a deal, we don’t have to put up with you sh*tting on our lawn.

UK: The Daily Mail made us do it and then ran away!

EU: I just found this spine. Is it yours?

UK: Welp!

EU: So, we’ll just sit this one out.

UK: Fine, we’ll go and make a great deal with the US.

UK trade talks with the United States

US: Yo suckers!

UK: We are here to get a lovely big trade deal.

US: Sure thing. Obey existing deals, and give us 100% of everything, plus 51% controlling share in the NHS, and you get, let’s see, 60% of what you have now.

UK: Not good enough, we have a Special Relationship.

US: Bye!

UK: What?

US: Bye! Talks are over, the Special Relationship is over, your country is over. Bye!

UK: But we haven’t got a deal, and we told everyone it would be easy!

US: It is easy: we are 26% of the world trade, making deals with EU (20%) and China (17%). We don’t need your 1.8%. No deal: easy!

UK: But we really need a deal, the EU outsmarted us!

US: We know. Some of us can read. Not Trump, obviously, but the rest of us. Try India.

Actual trade talks with the United States. / Flickr – Number 10

UK trade talks with India

UK: Hi India, remember us?

India: Oh f*ck, these guys again!

UK: We want a trade deal.

India: And we want to vastly increase the number of Indians who can live in the UK.

UK: We can’t do that. Turns out we’re, like, properly racist.

India: That is brand new information!!

UK: So, can we have a deal?

India: Sure, fine. Join the queue.

UK: Who’s in front of us in the queue?

India: EU, USA, China, Brazil, Korea, Canada, Australia… basically everybody. We’re kind of a big deal now.

UK: So you’ll be ready to negotiate in, what... 3 weeks?

India: Ha ha ha ha ha

UK: What did we say?

India: 3 weeks?... Try 3 years. This sh*t takes ages, bro.

UK: But we had a timetable of 3 weeks with the EU.

India: And how did that work out?

UK: Erm…

India: Try Brazil.

UK trade talks with Brazil

UK: Hi Brazil.

Brazil: We ArE oN FiRe!!

UK: Maybe we can trade you some fire engines?

Brazil: We LiKe bEiNg oN FiRe, iT’s OuR tHiNg NoW!!!

UK: Shall we try New Zealand?

Brazil: I aM So DrUnK!!

UK: Yeah, let’s try New Zealand.

UK trade talks with New Zealand

UK: Hi, New Zealand.

NZ: Hi, Crazy Uncle!

UK: We’d like to sell you some lamb.

NZ: Sorry, it’s very noisy here, cos we still have a working economy. Did you say you want to sell us some lamb?

UK: Yes.

NZ: Hold the line, gotta tell Australia this, they’ll piss themselves.

UK trade talks with Australia

UK: Hi Australia, wanna trade stuff?

Aus: We wanna offload Rolf Harris and our worst ever PM. What can you give us for them?

UK: We’ve already got them.

Aus: That was easy! So what can you trade?

UK: We can send you some racists.

Aus: I think we’re sorted. Try Russia.

Actual trade talks with Australia. / Flickr – Number 10

UK trade talks with Russia

UK: Hi Russia, we have loads of lovely things we think you’d love to own.

Russia: We already own them.

UK: You don’t own Boris.

Russia: True. We rent him by the hour. £160k for a tennis match.

UK: We really need a trade deal.

Russia: We know. We made you need one. Try China.

"Exporting is great". / Flickr – Number 10

UK trade talks with China

UK: Can we please have a trade deal?

China: And you are...?

UK: We’re Great Britain.

China: Great, you say?

UK: Well… once.

China: It’s not ringing any bells. Do you have another name?

UK: United Kingdom.

China: United, you say?

UK: Alright, smart arse.

China: So you want a trade deal?

UK: Yes, but first we demand you obey international law.

China: What happened to your deal with the EU?

UK: We broke international law.

China: Have you been drinking moonshine with Brazil again?

UK: We’re very tired.

China: Why did you leave the EU?

UK: We couldn’t deal with foreigners telling us what to do.

China: What do you want?

UK: A deal.

China: With who?

UK: Foreigners.

China: And why can’t you get one?

UK: Cos we don’t know what to do.

China: Were you dropped as a child?

UK: We just want a trade deal worthy of our status.

China: You’ve got one.

UK: No, we haven’t.

China: Yes, you have.

UK: Why won’t anybody take us seriously?

China: Would you like to buy a mirror?

UK: Finally, a deal!

China: You had a deal worthy of your status, with the EU. You don’t need to renegotiate deals: you need to reassess your status. You’re not a mighty nation, you’re a small, wet, heavily indebted island on the edge of an globally important trade bloc, which you just left, you tit.

UK: So, what do you suggest?

China: Aw, mate. You already know…

UK trade talks with the European Union... again

EU: Hi there! Here to rejoin?

UK: Yes, and on the same terms as before.

EU: Oh, I don’t think so. Say goodbye to your rebate, hello to the Euro, and bonjour to the Schengen area. Welcommen!

UK: We hate you.🔷

Russell Jones, Blogger, Designer, Data Analyst.

[This piece was first published as a Twitter thread and turned into the above article on 14 September 2020 with the purpose of reaching a larger audience. It has been minorly edited and corrected, and published with the author’s consent. | The author of the tweets writes in a personal capacity.]

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(Cover: Flickr/Number 10. - Liz Truss. / Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 4.0 International License.)

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