B. Jay Cooper’s secret is out... thanks to U.S. far-right Republican representative for Georgia, Marjorie Taylor Greene.
First published in February 2021.
Warning: This is a brilliant satire.
When I was in my third year of Hebrew school, the rabbi asked to see me after class. I wasn’t that good a student in my normal English grammar school and I’m afraid I was that much worse when reading right to left instead of left to right – so I figured I was in some kind of trouble.
I knocked on the rabbi’s door after class and heard him say, “come in, and please close the door.” Fortunately, he said all that in English.
I entered, closed the door and he told me to sit in the chair in front of his desk.
“Son,” he began (no one ever called me Son so I figured it was Hebrew and had some other translation). “Son, each year I ask one person and one person only from the third grade to see me on a very important and confidential matter.”
OK, he may as well have been speaking Hebrew now because I had no idea what he was talking about. So, I said, “yes, sir?” (“Yes, sir” seemed to be the thing to say and is understood in all languages.)
“Son,” he continued, “one of the reasons I chose you for this discussion is that I’m told by your teachers and friends that you are bright, even if you don’t demonstrate that in Hebrew school, and can keep something secret when asked and, while you can’t speak much Hebrew, which is another discussion, we have an important assignment for you.”
Totally confused especially wondering who the “we” was (or were), I deferred to what seemed to be working ... “yes, sir?" I said.
He said, “this will not happen for some years but there is some training required which is why I’m asking you this when you’re so young.”
I skipped the “yes, sir” preferring to let him talk.
“Son, unbeknownst to the outside world, we Jews maintain a series of space lasers for our own protection. I want you to be our emissary to the JSF – the Jewish Space Force – and to take on the responsibility of learning all about the lasers so you can operate them later in life, if necessary. I’ve spoken to the GWWSFR – the Global Worldwide Space Rabbis Association – and they’ve agreed that you should be this year’s Chosen One.”
I figured this guy had too many sips of wine at Friday’s services but he seemed serious.
He told me that my training would start that summer but I could tell no one, even my parents. I agreed because this sounded intriguing to me and was apparently quite an honor. Plus I got to away for a month! Maybe there’d be girls there.
That summer, I told my parents that I’d received a grant from George Soros to attend the overnight Camp Shalom for a month, when really I was heading off to JLSC – Jewish Laser Space Camp.
And so my journey began. I kept my mouth shut, and over the next few years was trained in all aspects of space lasery. I was never activated because there’d been no call for using the space laser. But I was always at the ready!
Then, one day, that shiksa – Marjorie Taylor Greene – blew our cover. I don’t know how she knew, but she outed us by saying Jewish Space Lasers started the California wildfires. She was labeled a fruitcake for this and other reasons. Still, she was correct about the Jewish Space Lasers but she was wrong on the California wildfires.
That wasn’t us.
That was QAnon.
▫ B. Jay Cooper, former deputy White House press secretary to Presidents Reagan and George H.W. Bush.
- B. Jay Cooper is the author of Mac Baldrige: The Cowboy in Ronald Reagan's Cabinet | The Lyons Press
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